Olive Coates—My Mother
Beside every great man is a great woman.
I have struggled with Mom’s essay, struggled to make her real. I struggled to show how good she was, how intelligent, how kind and dedicated. She accomplished so much, often ahead of her time. She was a college graduate and a journalist with a column in the Kansas City Star in the 1920s, a devoted wife and business partner, a life-coach and stalwart companion who helped construct a house, a loving mother who fostered learning and independence in her children, a world traveler, a negotiator in international business arrangements, and a doting grandmother.
Emily Olive Todd was born July 15, 1904, in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the youngest of three girls. Her sisters were Rose, eight years older, and Mir, four years older. Their mother, Angie Cope McMurry Todd, died November 19, 1913, when Mother was only nine years old. Her father, Charles McKendree Todd, was separated from her mother and had very little influence on the girls’ upbringing. When their mother died, he married another woman, Aunt Ida, and moved to Houston. Mom was essentially raised by her two older sisters who were determined that she would get the education and advantages they never had.
Although born in Fayetteville, Mom and her sisters lived in Nowata, Oklahoma, until their mother's death in 1913, when the girls briefly moved to Kansas City, then to Shelbina, Missouri, where they lived with their Aunt Fan. Aunt Fan was very strict and very religious. She lived in a big, drafty house heated by a single potbelly stove. She had no running water. There was a well for water, icy cold water in winter, and an outhouse for a toilet.
While they were not Catholic, Rose and Mir saw that Mom went to St. Mary's Academy in Leavenworth, Kansas. The nuns greatly influenced her personality and her character. Mom never forgot them and kept in touch with her favorites until they died.
Mom attended Rice University in Houston for one year, then transferred to the University of Missouri in Columbia where she was a member of Phi Mu Sorority and earned a degree in journalism. Mom met Dad while she was at the University. He was selling construction materials and driving a truck. The story is that Mom was the only college girl who would ride in his truck and romance bloomed. They were married November 19, 1928. I was born on March 27, 1931, and my brother, Todd, was born four years later. Sadly, this was before antibiotics and Todd died of strep throat when only a year old.
The newlyweds were thrown into the jaws of the Great Depression. Yet somehow, they managed to buy a lot on Lake Lotawana just as the dam was finished and the lake was starting to fill. Having no funds for building on their lot, they decided to construct their first house themselves. And they did it with not one hour of outside labor. You can read more about the project in my essay, “The Little House.”
Everything changed in March 1937 when I became a big brother. My sisters, Carol and Jean, were twins but the farthest thing possible from identical twins. They dressed alike yet could not have been more different in appearance and temperament. It happened that my folks had purchased a cabin cruiser for use on Lake of the Ozarks that year and they appropriately named it the Carol Jean. I was proud to be a big brother and sometimes referee as the twins would get in the occasional scrap. Jean seemed to be the more dominant twin and I remember having to rescue Carol after Jean put her in their big toybox and sat on the lid so Carol couldn't get out. The girls were a wonderful addition to the family and certainly livened things up at our house.
Energetic, productive, and insightful Mom had her own social column in the Kansas City Star. With the help of her sister Mir, she did all the necessary ancestry research to become a member of the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) where she was active in their civic projects. She even found time to work as a volunteer nurse’s aide, a Candy Striper, at a local hospital.
Apparently, my father who was very hard-working was also extremely shy and Mother was instrumental in building his confidence. Just one small example of her lifelong dedication to helping and supporting him.
I wish I had listened more closely and paid better attention. Mom was an excellent typist and tried to impart the value of learning to type properly to me. She even sent me to typing school and I did okay but, foolishly, did not stick with it and have been sorry ever since. She also thought that speed-reading was important and sent me to classes at Evelyn Woods to learn the art. I went through the motions to please her, but I did not follow through. Another opportunity foolishly missed.
Mom loved the crystal-clad pianist, Liberace,[1] but dad was not a fan. I remember accompanying her to the President Hotel a few times to see him perform. I loved watching her eyes dance with excitement as he played.
When I was a child, Mom made Jell-O, which came in many flavors and colors. She would pour the liquid into molds that, when set, shimmered on our dinner table. Family meals were fairly traditional – turkey at Thanksgiving and Christmas and a beautifully prepared roast beef for special occasions. Whenever she made cookies or cake, she would always leave a little in the bowl as a special treat for me to enjoy in the raw form.
Mom was a big believer in scouting and was religious about seeing that I got to my Cub Scout meetings. She was also very active when I was old enough to join the Boy Scouts. She sent me to scout camp and worked hard pushing me to earn the merit badges necessary to become an Eagle Scout. At the Eagle Scout presentation, a speaker commented that behind every one of us Eagle Scouts there was a dedicated mother, and it was certainly true in my case.
I was a slightly above average student in grade school then I slipped down a bad path when I entered Southwest High School. I thought I had a major in sports and a minor in girls. Southwest classes were large enough that I could get passing grades with minimal effort, and I am ashamed to admit, I was involved in more than my share of vandalism. A streetcar line ran down Main Street, not far from home, and my friend, Richard Miller, and I would wait by a streetcar stop. When the car stopped, we would run behind it and pull the rope controlling the lever that connected the car to the overhead power line. This, of course, threw the streetcar into complete darkness, forcing the conductor to come out to reconnect the line. If we were brave enough, we would do it a second time! My mother never knew or I'm sure she would have straightened me out.
We were Lake people. Mom and Dad took great delight in having me show off for their guests by diving off our dock and swimming underwater to the dock on the opposite shore, which was close to 100 yards away. Mom liked to stroll along the sea wall and fish for bluegill.
When I was 15, I somehow talked my parents into buying me a motor scooter. We lived in Missouri, just a few blocks from the Kansas line. In Kansas, the legal driving age was 14, but 16 was the law in Missouri. One night the police pulled over six of us underage drivers and told us to follow them to the police station. I got the smart idea to escape and pulled off on a side street, turned off my lights, and hid in a dark driveway so the chasing police did not see me. Our whole family left early the next morning for a weekend on the family cruiser at the Lake of the Ozarks. No phones, no communication of any kind and we returned too late on Sunday for me to call any of my friends. On Monday, the homeroom phone rang, the teacher looked at me and said I was needed in the principal's office. The jig was up – my friends had ratted on me. I wasn't as afraid of the police as I was of disappointing my mother.
Mother was an outstanding cook. My sister, Jean, has a scrapbook full of handwritten thank you notes from Mother’s dinner guests. Candlelight, delicious food beautifully presented, refreshing drink, and stimulating conversation were Mother’s recipe for many great dinner parties for both local and out-of-town guests. I have fond memories of mom's warm smile as she welcomed her guests.
This was before the days of television when dinners were a family occasion. There was one rule – you did not have to eat everything, but you had to at least try everything. I learned to eat a lot of exotic things, but I still can't stand squash.
Christmas was always a huge celebration at our house. The excitement began with a beautiful, seven-foot, lush, green Christmas tree covered in twinkling lights gracing our living room and dozens of packages underneath. It was tough for us kids to wait until Christmas morning to open the presents, however that was the rule and no exceptions. If we were lucky it snowed on Christmas Eve. Finally, presents were opened one at a time with photographs of every important opening. To add to the festivities, my sisters were always dressed alike.
When it became obvious that I was not motivated enough to get the education Mom believed I deserved at Southwest High, she strongly suggested I go to a private school, and she thought it would be best for me to get out of the temptations of Kansas City. For once I listened and the next fall, I was off to Hightstown, New Jersey, the Peddie School, and a complete transformation of my educational future. I did well enough at Peddie that I won a fully paid scholarship for a year of school in England. As long as I was in the U. S., we could talk every week or so by phone but once I arrived in England that practice stopped. I don't think there was even a phone for students to use and, at that time, international phone calls were prohibitively expensive, so I didn't talk to my parents for the entire year. My time at Haileybury College is the subject of another essay.
Rarely has there been a couple who worked so closely together in every aspect of their lives. When Dad first started his business, Mom was his secretary, accountant, mail clerk, and even helped with the building of some of the first machines. As the business grew, she offered advice and counsel. When overseas factories were started Mom traveled with Dad constantly and was instrumental in charming the individuals they selected as foreign partners. They traveled for business and they traveled for pleasure. Mom was an expert at planning detailed itineraries. I have memories of her meandering through her scrapbooks and recounting their adventures. I think her favorite of all the sites they visited was the exquisite Taj Mahal, the crown of all palaces, which was the purpose of two trips. She had told me so much of its wonders that the Taj Mahal was a “don't miss” site on our trip to India and I was able to truly appreciate what I had been told. Mom and Dad also made possible a number of travel adventures for my son, Jeff: twice to Africa and extensive cruises of the San Juan Islands on their cabin cruiser, the Carol Jean.
Mother became a smoker at a time when not many women had taken up the habit. She kept it from my grandfather, William Coates, although when he did find out, he was so fond of her that he forgave her. Mom was one of those people who had a cigarette and a Coca-Cola first thing every morning. I was in Aspen when I got the call that Mother was in the hospital with severe breathing problems. It was a terrible experience to sit by her bed and hear her trying to get a breath. She passed away the next day, November 19, 1977. We thought my father was doing fine as a widower, but the loss of his partner was too much for him and he took his life just over a month later.
Footnotes:
(1) Liberace was a flamboyant pianist known for his glitz and glamour and who twice had his own TV show https://www.biography.com/musician/liberace